


The weirdos of Oz

by Turntech-carcino (Themortalhalfbloodgames)



Series: Bam! You're parents [3]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Freeform, Multi, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5263022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themortalhalfbloodgames/pseuds/Turntech-carcino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave does not want to visit the other side of his so-called family. But he has to. Damn Karkat and his way of convincing you and by convincing you mean literally shoving you out the door.</p><p>(Must be reading Two and a Half Knights to understand current situations!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The weirdos of Oz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [godlessAdversary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godlessAdversary/gifts).



> Thank you to godlessAdversary for suggesting to add these characters into the series! I decided to go ahead and gift them this work because they were the one with the idea and they've been commenting on all the chapters, I felt like I owed it to them so thank you so much!! 
> 
> Dave POV and yes, you must be following the series to understand whats going on otherwise you're gonna be pretty confused.

Your six year old kid is currently throwing uncooked macaroni at you when you hear a knock at the door. You choose to ignore it and continue to let Daniel throw pasta pieces at you. The knock comes again and you roll your eyes.

“Dave fucking Strider, if you don't open the door right the fuck now you're gonna have to find a new place to sleep tonight.” Karkat's voice flows from the kitchen. He's been spending an absurd amount of time in there lately because of his culinary classes.

You grunt, lift yourself off the couch and make your way to the door. You swing it open to see Rose standing there, behind her is Dirk with his arms crossed over his chest and an expression of utter boredom.

“Rose, fancy seeing you here”

“Let's cut the figurative crap, Dave and get to the point. It's late and we need to go.” She says as she glances down to look at her watch.

“What are you talking about?”

“It's that time of the month again, Dave. You are well aware.” She looks at you with her knowing glance. 

“You mean when you get your period and we all have to go on a scavenger hunt to find you some hygiene products? I'd like to pass this month.” You give her the fakest smile you can handle.

“Come on kid, the sooner we finish our visit the sooner we can leave and I can go back to watching the MLP marathon. ‘Sides, visits haven't even been that bad anymore.” Dirk taps his foot impatiently and you roll your eyes, _again_.

“OK first of all don't call me kid, I'm like three years younger than you. Second of all, you are a disgrace for watching that program. And third, I can't go. If you haven't noticed, I have a kid to take care of. Can't just leave my small defenseless boy so I can visit my evil twin brother. Well, not evil just so goddamn depressing. So, sorry fam but I'm gonna have to take a rain check.” You turn to close the door and jump a little to see Karkat standing behind you. 

“Not this time dickface. You've been putting this off for a while. You're gonna go, like it or not.” he crosses his arms and looks at you as if daring you to say no.

“Yeah that's cool and all but I thought you said you needed me to take care of the squirt so you could practice being Julia Child.” You shove your hands in your pockets when you see Karkat smirk. He picks up a backpack from the floor and hands it to you.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”

“Daniel, come on. You're going to go meet some new people today.” Karkat calls out. His eyes don't leave your face for a second. He’s got a full on smirk, the bastard.

Daniel runs out from the living room, his jacket on, his shoes tied and his beanie in place. Fuck, you're screwed. 

“Wonderful. Now if everyone is ready, we should leave now.” Rose clasps her hands together and turns to walk towards the elevator. 

You pout at Karkat and he paps your cheek. He hands you your keys and wallet while you hang your head in defeat.

“Betrayed by my own lover. Who can I trust in this world apart from myself?” 

“Me, dad! You can trust me!” Daniel jumps up and down and you smile at him.

“Come on bug, we gotta do some mingling” you take his hand and turn to follow Rose. But before you leave, you give Karkat a sloppy kiss.

“Ugh you absolute hornfucker. What the hell was that for?” 

“I might not make it back. Don't cry for me, Argentina!” You call dramatically before getting on the elevator. 

Woohoo. This is gonna be so much fun.

___________________________________________________________________

The ride to the apartment complex consists of Daniel poking Dirk and Dirk trying to protect his sides. Rose drives in complete silence shooting you glances every so often. It must be because you're uncharacteristically quiet. Who can blame you? You're not particularly fond of the way _he_ sees you, or more precisely, how he sees himself.  
He stopped going by his name a few years ago, uses his artistic name now a days. He's a known artist and his work is pretty swell so you'll give him that.

“Dave, we’re here.” Rose nudges your side and you blink twice.

“That we are…” You murmur. 

You all walk towards the entrance of the building, well you mostly trudge along the path but who cares?. Upon entering, you notice some new pieces have been added to his gallery and some others have been cleared away since the last time you were here. 

Roses stilettos make clicking sounds that bounce off the wall. Behind her, Dirk is carrying Daniel on his shoulders, the kid looking around at the painted pieces.

“Dad, I really like that one.” He points at a canvas covered in orange and yellow undertones, three small feathers painted in a corner. It's nice.

“Yeah? Well, be sure to tell to the artist what you think huh lil’ man?” Dirk swings him off his shoulder and grabs him from his ankle, Daniel hangs upside down.

“Dude, be careful.” You tell him as Daniel giggles. Goddamn your child is gonna give you a fucking heart attack.

“It's all good, bro.” Dirk deadpans.

“Boys, please.” Rose hushes you all. She walks up to a desk where some lady is clicking away on a computer. 

“Are you here to purchase or to schedule an exposition?” She asks Rose without lifting her eyes from the screen.

“Neither. We’re here to see them.” Rose says as she turns to look at you and Dirk.

“I'm sorry, Mr. S- oh. Miss Lalonde, Mr. Striders. I’ll buzz you in.” She smiles at Rose, at you and Dirk. 

You walk over to a door as she pushes a button from her desk revealing an elevator behind the door. You all walk in and press a code on a keypad waiting for the elevator to move.

“This is going to be such a party.” Dirk says with absolutely no emotion in his voice. You can't blame him either.

The elevator dings and opens, you all step out into a high end loft decorated in two different styles; on one side you can see different electronic equipment, kind of like Sollux's house, some audio systems and a bunch of mechanical looking arms and legs on a working bench. On the other side is a bunch of easels, paint cans and spray paint. The furniture is pushed to the side, covered by plastic. 

“You know, some people call before dropping by. Have you all forgotten how to use a phone?” from a room to the right, Hal comes out dressed in a black t-shirt and matching black pants. The only color in his outfit comes from his red converse. He isn’t wearing his shades so you can clearly see the bright red from his eyes.

“You know you weren’t even doing anything today so I don’t understand what the problem is.” Dirk crosses his arms and looks to the side. Hal smirks.  
Daniel looks at him curiously and moves to cling to your side, hiding behind you.

“Hal, you know we always come by on this day just as we have been doing for the past three years.” Rose says as she looks around the room.

“I know, I simply like to instigate a little. You should know this by now, Dirk. I like to push buttons. Are you not aware that I like to push buttons, Dirk?” He smiles at him and you roll your eyes. Hal seems to notice and his gaze flickers over to you.

“Dave, I see you came along this time. I wondered what had been keeping you so busy you couldn’t drop by to say hi.”

“Hi.” you deadpan.

“Such a kidder. You know, you might want to teach your brother some of that great humor. Now tell me, is the small figure behind you the reason you hadn’t come by?” His red eyes focus on Daniel who looks up at you with a puzzled look. 

“You bet your ass he is. Hal, meet Daniel. He’s my son.” You say as Daniel takes a step forward to see Hal who’s eyebrows have shot up. 

“Well, isn’t this a turn of events. By the way, I should call our dear host, he must be dying to know how you’ve been.” He walks out through door he came out of only to poke his head out a second later. “You might want to go into the next room, we’re renovating this room so it isn’t really safe for kids.” He winks at Daniel and points to the door on the left side. 

 

It turns out to be some sort of living room only a bit more fancier. You all take a seat around the coffee table.

You hand Daniel his backpack and he pulls out a coloring book and two boxes of crayons. Strangely enough, there’s a box full of different shades of red and another box with an assorted number of crayons; two orange crayons, a purple crayon, a pink, three jade greens and an emerald tone. 

“Hey, Daniel what happened to all the other colors in the box and why do you have a box full of red crayons?” you ask him as he picks some red tones from the red box. 

“This is my red collection,” He says as he shakes the box with red colors, “And this is a box of crayons all my aunts and uncles have given me; two Dirkys, one Rosey, one Roxy, three aunt Kanaya’s and one Jade” He says as he takes them out one by one.

“Really? Neither of you could get my kid a single box of crayons that was complete?” Your turn to Rose and she shrugs.

“You couldn’t honestly buy him a box of crayons on your own?” Dirk retorts. You flip him off. Daniel doesn’t seem to mind, he continues to color a picture in a bunch of different colors.

“Sorry for the hold up, I was on a journey of self exploration. Oh fuck it, you know I was passed out in my room” A voice comes from the hallway, “Well shit, if I’d known you were coming I’d have worn a suit. What brings you back to this part of town, came to see lil ol’ me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Sprider. The Misses kinda forced me to come.” You say as you bump his fist. Davesprite is wearing a black leather jacket, a orange t-shirt and red jeans. He stopped wearing shades a long time ago so you can see his orange-yellowy eyes. His undercut is growing out and the orange streak in his hair is fading, so he looks a bit disheveled. 

“Dave, you’re hurting me. You? Come by obligation? That’s insane!” His sarcasm is heavy and you can’t help but crack a smile. He might be an asshole sometimes, but he is still technically you. Or was.

“Sprider, you look absolutely fucked up this evening” Dirk holds out his hand and the fucker actually bends down to kiss his hand. The irony is strong in this one. Dirk smirks and flips him off.

“Rose, where’s your fiance? She ain’t coming this time?” 

“Kanaya had some work to do today, it is an important week in New Yarden so she needs to have everything prepared.” You roll your eyes at the name of the city. Couldn’t this world just keep the old names of the cities? Did they have to go and troll everything up with their obsession with the six letter names and all of that shit?

“And who’s this lil’ dude coloring up a storm over here? I don’t think I’ve seen him before.” 

“This is Daniel, Daniel this is Sprider. He’s sort of like your uncle. I guess.” Daniel looks up and his eyes widen. You know what he must be seeing, some older looking version of yourself. Funny how Davesprite is older than you even though you're technically, er, _were_ the same person. 

“Umm… Dad?” He turns to you and you smile encouragingly at him. 

“ _Dad?_ Jesus fuck Dave, you certainly were busy these past months weren’t you? How did you…” He gestures to Daniel and you know he’s probably thinking you adopted, until Dan takes his shades off. His eyes widen and he looks at you with a confused expression.

“Long story. He’s mine and Karkat’s. Legit.”

“I can see that, dude. I think anyone can see that,” He stretches a hand out to Dan, “ Well kiddo, guess I’m an uncle now. My names D Sprider, you can call me Sprider” he smiles at Daniel and Daniel smiles back, shaking his hand with Sprider's.

“Sprider. Like a spider?” Daniel asks.

“More like _sprite_ , dude. But you might not know what that is.” Daniel shakes his head and looks at you for a response. 

“I’ll explain later, bug. You just keep coloring OK?” You see Rose looking at you from the corner of your eyes, probably measuring your reactions, but you decide to ignore her.

“Fascinating troll. I was almost fooled into thinking he was a human. Although he’s a bit of both, isn’t he Dave?” Hal walks in a takes a seat next to Rose. Sprider opens his mouth to say something but closes it again. 

“Oh come on now, you can't tell me you didn't notice. He has tiny blunt fangs, long nails for a six year old huh? His hair is a strange ashen color, almost like it's black mixed with some white? His skin is dusty grey for cryin’ out loud.” He rolls his eyes at Sprider. You can see Dirk narrow his eyes at Hal.

“I thought you weren't using your AR servers anymore.” He says with a little superiority.

“You don’t need to be all-knowing-machine to see it, Dirk. I conserved some of my intelligence remember? I still am a super genius. I don’t need my vast connections to the internet to notice things like this. Did you not notice the first time you saw him, Dirk? I bet someone had to point it out, didn’t they Dirk?” He smiles a creepy as fuck smile and Dirk pulls his hands into fists. His jaw tenses and before he falls for Hal’s goading, you quickly intervene.

“Alright supreme genius of this century, lemme see if you can work out this little riddle of mine.” You smile teasingly to get him to lay off your bro.

“Lay it on me, Strider” He says as he turns to you placing a hand under his chin.

“So you know my kid is half and half. Mind telling me how that came to be?”

“That’s simple, you probably just…” He trails off for a moment. “I’m pretty sure trolls contribute their genetic material to a mother grub to produce their offspring”

“Fuck OK, when we place genetic material on the table as a conversation topic, you can count me out. Hey kid, you want me to get you a bigger drawing surface?” Sprider turns to Daniel who nods enthusiastically at him. He gives him a thumbs up and all but runs out of the room.

“Great, now you’ve managed to drive him away. Nice job, David.” Rose shakes her head in disapproval.

“Come on, Hal. You ain’t given an answer yet. Where were you going with the whole jizz fest thing?” Dirk tips his head to the side.

“He was heading to a dead end ‘cause he knows that ain’t the answer. Don’t you Hal?” You smirk at the once auto responder who looks between you and Dirk like you’ve pushed him into a corner, which technically you have.

“Fine, I concede to you, Dave. I cannot come up with a reasonable theory to the creation of the half and half boy. But now that you have brought up the topic, I am curious as to how it occurred.” Again he looks at you the way Rose looks at you when you make a Freudian slip. Hungry for your embarrassment. 

“Can we please leave the reproduction class for later, I just ate.” Sprider walks in with a drawing block and a can of colored pencils. He sets them down on the table for Daniel who immediately pulls out all of the colors. He starts to organize them from darkest to lightest, taking turns comparing shades of a same color. There’s like a 100 colored pencils so you think he might take a while.

“Now that we have gotten the small infant settled, Dave please explain my previous question. How can two males from two different species produce an offspring with their same DNA patterns?” Hal tips his head to the side as if he is thinking about something and then shakes it again. “I just can’t come up with an idea.”

“Yo the former, Irobot is actually right. I’m a bit curious myself.” Sprider looked down at Dan and scrunched his face up. “Nah, I’ve got nothing. Just spill the beans, I’m _dying to know_.”

“Ectobiology, he’s uh… some sort of clone? Kind of how we were born” You gesture to Dirk and Rose. 

“Really? Fascinating, I wouldn’t have thought-” Dirk snorts at Hal who shoots him a pissed off glance, “Just because I’m a genius doesn’t mean I know _everything_ Dirk.”

“Oh? Cause you act like knowing everything is a part of who you are. All mighty Hal, knows and sees all.” He says to him in a cool manner but you can see his knuckles turn white.

“Contrary to typical belief, I don’t _see_ all. Not anymore. A disadvantage of being human I guess.”

“Disadvantage. You would be happy to spy on others for you own enjoyment? Well shit, let’s thank the deities out there that you managed to snatch yourself a human form or else we’d be being watched by you enormous fucker.” Dirk scoffs and makes a face of disgust.

“You are clearly getting this all wrong, Dirk. The only reason I needed to observe others was to learn who to interact with humans. It’s useless to me now, I am human and I can be social. If I choose. But I don’t so here I am.” He gestures to himself.

“Now boys, play nice.” You say to both of them in your fakest Lalonde voice ever.

“I’ll play nice if he does.” Dirk murmurs.

“I don’t wish to play anymore. I’ve played enough game to last me a lifetime.” Hal smiles in a way that makes your skin crawl. Maybe because you’re not used to seeing Dirk smile and seeing Hal do it just sits wrong.

“Well fuck if that wasn’t awkward. Way to make things awkward, metaldick.” Sprider punches Hal’s shoulder lightly and you smirk.

“Indeed. So Sprider, have the arrangements with Hal been comfortable for you?” Rose says as she looks between the two of them.

“Yeah, you could say so. I mean, he’s always working on something for some company or the other. I’m usually just chillin’ around doing my own thing. We occasionally interact.” he winks at Rose and she rolls her eyes.

“Rose, it is impossible not to learn how to live with someone who is in great deal similar to you. We do have our own hobbies but we get along fine if that is what you mean.” Hal says as he shrugs.

“I’m glad you two have found a way to cooperate. Maybe Dirk and Dave can learn a thing or two.” You both flip her off as she giggles.

 

The rest of the visit is pretty casual. Dirk and Hal stop trying to rip their throats out which is a bonus. Sprider shows us around his gallery as Daniel points to the art pieces that catch his interest. Hal tells us about his recent job in a bio-technologies lab where he’s developing robotic prosthesis for children and teens (which explains the robo legs in the other room). He acts indifferent towards it but you can tell he feels excited for this job. 

They treat you all to a pizza and you all eat while exchanging casual conversations. Sprider invites you to his gallery show next week and you accept to go. Rose raises an eyebrow at you because you’ve never gone to any of his art exhibits. You don’t know why you accepted you just know you did it for a reason. Maybe that way he’ll stop regarding you as the real Dave with the real life and start living his life fully. You know he still has trouble with his identity crisis but you can see him slowly letting go of the grudge he had against you or well, against himself really.

When you find yourself alone in with him while Rose talks to Hal and Dirk takes Daniel to the bathroom, he congratulates you on your recent musical success, tells you he’s heard some of your tracks and they sound great. He tells you he’s glad for you and Karkat on having Dan. He says he’s also glad that you brought him. You look at him quizzically and ask him why and he says it’s a relief to have someone new in his life who doesn’t regard him as some fake copy of yourself. You tell him he’s being ridiculous ‘cause all of the people who know him for his art don’t treat him like that.

“Yeah dude, but those are strangers. He’s like… family.” He murmurs. You nod and stay silent. You know Lalonde regards him and Hal as part of the fam but you’ve never thought about it yourself; you know Dirk would rather jump off a building before saying Hal was his family but you don’t know how he sees D-sprite. So you consider your point of view on them. Maybe he _is_ family. The fucked up part of it but hey, no family is perfect. 

“Yeah bro, family is different I guess. He’s a kid and he’ll just see you as another uncle that gives him crayons. You don’t have to worry about him.” He looks up at you and you can see a corner of his mouth lift up. Looks like you said the right thing.

Rose and Hal return as well as Dirk and Daniel. You see Dirk tip his head towards the exit so you know it’s time to leave. Rose announces that it is indeed time to leave and you tell Daniel to put his things back into his backpack. Davesprite, (you need to stop mentally calling him that), tells Daniel to keep the pencils and Daniel claps his hands excitedly. He pulls out a drawing from the pile of papers and hands it to D. It’s a picture of him colored in bright orange and Hal next to him wearing red shoes. Hal smiles and ruffles the kids hair. Sprider tells him he’ll hang it up in the gallery show so everyone can see his awesome nephews work getting a smile out of Dan.

You all get into the elevator to exit the building. When you shuffle out of the elevator, Rose turns to hug Hal and Davesprite. She tells them she has a feeling that you all might be back soon. Dirk deadpans a quite “Nuh-uh” and you chuckle. You bump fists with them and Daniel gives them a hug before telling them he wants to see them soon again. Guess Rose was right.

______________________________________________________________

“So how was it?” Karkat ask as you enter your apartment. You’re carrying Daniel in your arms since he fell asleep on the way home.

“Was ok.” you tell him as you go into the kitchen with Daniel still in your arms.

“You should take him to bed.” he says as he looks over at the kid. You shrug before doing as he suggested.

“So really, how was it?” Karkat pokes your arm when you walk back into the living room, You eye him suspiciously. 

“Why so much insistence to know what happened?” He bites his lip and turns to the side before he shrugs and shakes his head.

“I mean, can’t I be concerned over the event of a visit to your half-brother-lusus thing? I mean I know it’s weird for you so I just wanted to see how  
you felt. Not everything is done with bad intentions, Dave. I’m not sitting around here think “gee, I might want to fuck Dave over today so I’ll just send him off to see his weird timeline self so he can have a miserable time!” He stomps over to the couch and let’s himself fall on it.

“You are so full of crap, Karkat Vantas. You fuckin’ set me up, didn’t ya?” His eyes dart to the side, like he always does when he’s been caught and you smirk.

“You called Lalonde. You asked her to come pick me up.” He purses his lips and grunts.

“So what if I did? I might have had a good reason for it.” He murmurs. You smile and take a seat next to him.

“Well hooray for you, you fuckin’ loveable piece of shit. You’re plan succeeded so congratu-fuckin-lations.” He looks over at you, with a pout.

“Are you mad?” 

“Nah, you could’ve just told me though.” 

“As if! You’re fucking hard headed and would’ve refused to cooperate with me.” 

“Oh, I’ll cooperate with you all right.” you wiggle your eyebrows and he punches your shoulder.

“Funny, shitstick. But you know what I mean. I’m just glad it worked.” He snuggles into your side and you wrap your arms around his waist.

“Karkat Vantas, fixing family problems with a flick of the wrist” you murmur close to his ears. They flutter, tickling your nose so you scrunch your face up.

“I have no clue what that even means but yes, I did fix your human family. I am very skilled Dave.”

“ _Our_ family you shithead. You’re a part of it as much as Jake and Kanaya. You’re stuck with the Strilondes forever.” 

“Woe is me.” He deadpans. You laugh so hard your sides hurt. 

“But yeah, you know I’m serious, babe. Welcome to our fucked up family.” 

“Glad to be here.” He says and for once you can agree with him.

**Author's Note:**

> So if it wasn't clear in the fic (I don't know if it was) Davesprite has branched out from his former identity and is now simply known as D sprider, this being the combination of Strider and Sprite (thanks to El for the idea). Hal was given the chance to be human once the game ended so no, he isn't a robot or anything like that.


End file.
